It’s amazing how apt and appropriate some things appear to be. I just posted a picture on Facebook, a quote attributed to my favorite author Ray Bradbury, about how, over a lifetime you realize that the answer to so much is love. To find love, to share love, to give love and to be loved are the goals of most of us. Woke up with a lot of heavy thoughts on my mind about life and love and the pursuit of happiness and I realize that there is a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. There is a difference between sharing your life with someone and existing with them. You can be with someone for a very long time thinking that you are madly, desperately in love with them only to find out that it was you clinging to them out of fear from the outside world. Fear of rejection. Fear of failure. Fear of being hurt. Fear and love should never go hand in hand with one another. That’s a sick kind of love that leaves two people bitter and broken, forever changed and eventually ruined by their own discontent and frustration over not finding real and genuine love for themselves to share with the right person. Some people find many loves and share their love in both romantic and non-romantic ways daily. Others have no concept of love, no understanding of that bond between two people that makes us so much happier, so much more secure in our lives knowing that there is always that one special person who has your back.
I was in a sick love for a long time and, even now, trying to get away from it, to distance myself and start fresh is hard. When you spend enough time with the wrong person you find yourself loving them because you know they need your love and that you need love as well but you forget yourself, you forget what is truly important and you get sucked into this Stockholm Syndrome romance that leaves you identifying with your partner’s needs and forgetting about your own. You know what you have isn’t good, isn’t healthy but you cling to it anyway because you have programmed yourself to believe there is nothing better in the world, that this is what you’ve got, what you deserve and what you are stuck with. You can’t see the forest for all the trees.
Woke up tonight at four o’clock from a dead sleep with this epiphany. As a man, as a father, I have to be able to give and receive love without sacrificing my whole being for it. I have to be able to set boundaries and limits. I have to be able to love unconditionally someone who loves me in return without taking or giving more than is there to offer. And I have to do this because I have a child who depends on me to teach him the right path, to show him what it means to grow up and be a good man.
And I have a horror and strange fiction blog that seems more and more to just be a dumping ground for my soul. What the hell? I promise folks, fewer rants, more scary shit coming soon so don’t tune out.